Dear god. I am going to go insane.
Our OLD neighbors who owned the property to the east of us were a quiet, nature-loving Mormon family with a "Dare to resist drugs and violence" bumper sticker on their ancient minivan, a well-loved and well-behaved mutt dog, and a massive clump of foliage on our property line that served as an excellent privacy barrier. We exchanged Christmas cookies in the winter, small-talk in the street, and money for labour when our lawn got too long and their teenage son needed some cash.
Fortunately for them, they came into some extra money and were able to relocate to a bigger home over the summer. Unfortunately for us, Ma and Pa Lawn Ornament took their place. The first thing they did was hang a flag across their front door, and toss some plastic creatures into the front yard. One is a duck, and the other looks like some sort of representation of Abe Lincoln. I don't know exactly what it is...I try to avoid looking at it. Then I wake up one morning to see a curious line of string weaving between the trees and bushes on our property line. "What's this?" I wonder. Well, I was soon to find out.
A few days later they cut down most of the bushes and one of the trees on their side of the property line, creating a line of sight from our living room almost all the way down the block. Previously, we hadn't had to worry about being in our undies in the living room because the only living creatures who could SEE US were their frigging bushes and trees. Not anymore.
To make matters worse, these are retirees, so they're always home, and for some reason always outside, and they had removed the sound barrier between Ma's, "what? what? WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T HEAR YOU, WHAT?" and my quiet afternoons of housework and podcasts.
We've never complained, but obviously we liked things better the way they were before. They placated us for awhile with talk of putting up a fence; apparently Pa Craphole used to own his own fencing company. So I think, "well, that'll be great - it'll mask the sound AND give us some privacy again! A few weeks later, a CHAIN LINKED fence went up between our two properties. For some ghetto reason it changes in height halfway through, and becomes only about four feet tall before it reaches the street. I have no idea why they thought this ugliness was something to brag about. It's trashy. I know I'm being mean, but it is. I can understand putting it up if you're too poor to afford something else and you have small children or a dog to contain, but they have NEITHER. Why the hell would you need a CHAIN between two RURAL/SUBURBAN properties if you have nothing to contain? It's open to the front yard btw, so they ain't keepin nothin out either.
Then, they built The Thing. I'd like to think of it as their "home away from home." It's a shed that's seriously like half the size of their house. Now, I understand needing storage space, and a place to organize gardening things. If you have a large yard, or a lot of shit. Maybe they have a lot of shit. Their yard however, is considerably smaller than ours. It is SO small in fact, that they had to squeeze their stupid shed in AT AN ANGLE, between their house and the corner of their backyard next to ours. Plus side: I can no longer see the six-foot windmill they put in the center of their backyard. Minus side: It's pea green with a rust-colored roof, and it's odd, squeezed-in positioning makes it look like we live next door to shanty town.
Things quieted down a bit over the Christmas season, but now they're back with their mangling - full force.
Most properties in our neighborhood have extremely large, extremely old evergreens growing on them. It's a FEATURE of the neighborhood. It provides a nice contrast to all the new developments around here that have no old trees, and all look naked and bare. Our neighborhood is filled with greenery, and in the winter, it looks incredible. The only way it can KEEP being filled with greenery is if each property owner refrains from CUTTING IT DOWN. We are not backed up to a forest. We have plenty of forest and swamp areas around town, but the few blocks around our house are totally developed - it's just row after row after row of houses all squished together. What makes it feel LESS developed and MORE isolated are THE TREES. If you don't want the trees, there are plenty of newer homes on the south side of town that are quite affordable, and quite bare of any foliage whatsoever. Some of them may have even come with chain linked fences pre-installed.
And it's not like this decision was made because of a fabulous landscaping plan (it wasn't, trust me), or because of any real, arbourist-confirmed safety problem created by the trees. Pa Windmill complained to me a couple of months ago that he hated all the crap that was always falling off the trees and onto his roof.s. I guess as I stared into his face and saw the look of disgust he wore while staring up at the trees, I should've known what he was planning. I seriously bet that the ONLY reason they cut down their trees was because they were inconvenient. End of story. I've talked to these people, and they don't seem thoughtful, and they don't seem educated. At least from anything I'VE ever heard come out of their mouths. I bet they didn't give it a second thought. I think that's the heart of why it bothers me; if it had been a thoughtful and calculated decision, I could respect it. But somehow (even though I haven't actually TALKED to them about it, I know) I just get the feeling that it wasn't. That they just thought, "trees bad, plastic Abe good..." and hacked them down. The loud, lougie-hocking cavemen they hired to do the work didn't do anything to dispel that thought. And they only moved to M'ville a few months ago; wouldn't they have known THEN that they didn't want trees?
No. Instead of buying one of the tree-free homes, Ma and Pa Nature-Hater decided to buy a home in tree-land, and cut all their trees down today. All of them. Every single last 100ft+, perfectly healthy evergreen.
So now 1) we'll need to have an arbourist come out & make sure that our trees (which bumped right up against their trees) aren't at a greater risk of falling from the added wind/root exposure; 2) I can see not only their crappy backyard, but the crappy backyards of four other homes past theirs; 3) From LITERALLY 9am to almost 5pm today I had to listen to chainsaws and chippers (sans any warning ahead of time), all the while breeding new contempt for Ma and Pa Plastic Lawn Duck; 4) our houses are going to get A LOT hotter this summer; 5) all their squirrels and birds will have to relocate to other people's trees; 6) their house looks way uglier and smaller now; and 7) If one of them falls and can't get up, they'd better not expect ME to help them with their chores. I'd totally help Fran though. She's our neighbor to the north, and she's super cool.
I know this post is horribly bitter and ranty, and possibly ageist, but here are my excuses: I've put up with their tackiness for six months and barely complained at all. I listened to chainsaws for eight hours today. I have PMS, and it makes me VERY short tempered. I try to be peppy and cheerful anyway, but sometimes I just need to tear into someone for no apparent reason. Brett can attest to all of these statements, if you need verification.
On a brighter note, Star is curled up in a little ball near my feet, and she's twitching and chirping in her sleep. It's very cute. I wonder if she's dreaming of chainsaws...
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