Some things on my mind.

1) I got my hair cut today. It is short (chin length), and so far I think it looks pretty cute. I have reeeally thick hair, so having it a few inches shorter feels AWESOME in this heat.

2) Why are my favorite fruits the most expensive ones? Today at the store I bought a $2 avocado, and a $1.50 bell pepper. Which was on sale from ***$4***. The cherries we bought were also on sale; they were $5, on sale from $10. The strawberries were super cheap though, I guess - $2.50 (on sale from $5). And I looove strawberries. I don't know. We mostly bought produce today, and we only bought food for two days (since we'll be at le beach in a few days), and we spent $50. I guess I did buy some hair stuff. And a $7 frozen pizza (vegan. obviously.).

3) That brings me to my next question. Why do I always crave such shit food when it's hot? Like, I understand why I don't feel like cooking. But why do I ALSO crave disgusting, fried/frozen/fast foods? Why not salad? Carrots? Even some sort of cold soup?

Last night we went out to dinner, and I got a big plate full of gooey, spicey, pork chops. Then I came home and had chocolate pie. THEN, at like 2am (because it was too hot to sleep, so we just sat around in the basement watching crappy movies until 4am, when it finally cooled down), I ate an entire frozen pizza. Then today I bought ANOTHER one. I can seriously count on one hand the number of times I've eaten ANY pizza in the last six months, yet by the end of this weekend I will have eaten two. And the only things I've eaten so far today are: an ounce of almonds, three squares of chocolate, and a bowl full of pork fried rice. And some raspberry lemonade. What the butt?

4) Speaking of raspberry lemonade. If you live in the PNW, FM has all flavors of Santa Cruz lemonade on sale right now for 99¢. Don't be fooled by the "organic" label - it's not good for you. It's mostly sugar, but you know...it's lemonade.

Once in college, I worked at a food stand at a fair in Portland, and we made batter fried veggies and fresh-squeezed lemonade. Each lemonade we served was one cup of lemon juice, ONE CUP OF SUGAR, and then the rest was filled with water and ice. But it was the best lemonade EvEr. It was so good I could've cried. And the whole PNW is fuckingroastinghotasamotherfucker right now, which I think makes drinking lemonade and iced tea pretty much a requirement.

5) Oh, also...when I tried to open the lemonade jar at first, I couldn't get it open. Not even with a dish towel. A few years ago, my grandmother (who is a kitchen gadget FIEND) gave me this gigantic, awkward looking jar opener, and I was all like, "um...thaaanks."

But in my head I was thinking "Why the hell would I need this POS? I am young and strong."

BUT, I haaave used it a few times. And today, on my raspberry lemonade, it worked like a charm. It's big and clunky, but I have to say - I love it. Oma FTW. ♥

6) Speaking of Oma, she'll be in Seaside when we go down for the holiday. I'm excited to see her. Also vacationing with us will be: my mom & Brian, Sam, Maria & Indra, Sarah & Chris & baby Nevada, and All & Sandy. Smaller than most of our summer family holidays, but here's the kicker; All & Sandy are staying at a hotel, but alllll of the rest of us will be staying in my parents' four-bedroom beach house. I think it's like, 1600-1700 sq ft. For five days. I wouldn't be worried if there wasn't a grandma and a baby, but two parents, one grandparent, one baby niece, and five-seven siblings (depending on whether or not you count A&S), plus Brett...I don't know. It sounds a little...third worldish. And I sound like an asshole for saying that, but whatevs. We'll just see how it goes. It'll probably be great, but I'm still a little apprehensive.

7) It is sooo hot here. Too hot to do anythinggg. It's in the 90's, which I guess isn't THAT hot, but remember - most people in the Northwest, including us, don't have air conditioning. And this computer is in our living room, which is the highest point of our split-level home. It's probably like, 8000° up here. And my monitor/computer is AWESOMELYHUGE (24"), and is probably making things even hotter. I'm sad because I took some photos last night that I want to upload, but I have to sort through them and I just CAN'T stay up here any longer. But I can't upload them from my laptop, because they've already been imported into my iMac. Grar. But maybe I'll bust out the lappy later and go on Facebook or something. We'll see. We'll probably be hanging out in our basement all night, watching whatever crap is on tv. At first I'll be eating homemade tacos while watching tv, but then maybe I'll go on fb. Or maybe I'll crochet. Or maybe I'll eat my frozen pizza. Who knows? But I won't be coming back upstairs, that's for damn sure. WHEW!

How NOT to insult your husband.

So, this afternoon a big package came for me from Old Navy and Gap (because you can order from ON, BR, Gap, & Piperlime at the same time now! Woo!!!). It consisted of: three t-shirts, four tank tops, two pairs of yoga capris, and like...I don't even know how many different pairs of panties. I stopped counting at seven. All the shops were having big sales, and there was a lot of cute stuff, so...yeah. Anyway.

If Brett is home when I get a package, I always make him stand next to me and check out what I got. He's always very nice with the oohs and aahs, but he's also good at saying things like, "That makes your boobs look funny." or "Those puffy sleeves are awful. I really, really hate them." Which I appreciate. Because I'd much rather be told that my tits look weird and my sleeves are ugly BEFORE I leave the house.

I still get a little catty when he critiques, but today my comebacks weren't exactly...snappy:

ME
(holds up the guh-gillionth pair of panties - a particularly thongy-looking thong)
Eh?

BRETT
(stares quizzically)
Those look a little long in the crotch...

ME
(squints angrily)
YOU look a little long in the crotch.

BRETT
(blinks, pauses, then says cheerfully)
Why thank you!

ME
(glares with the displeasure of defeat)

BRETT
(beams triumphantly)

ME
(holds up the first of the t-shirts)
Eh?

BRETT
Is that one for showing off your bra? Because the fabric looks really thin.

ME
(pouts, wounded)
NO! And maybe YOU look really thin.

BRETT
(baffled; beams once again)
Thanks! That's fine by me.

ME
(sighs with confusion and self-disappointment)
What is WRONG with me?

I honestly don't remember what his response was. I think I was still reeling from the shock of my own lack of wit. Ugh.

Oh dear God.

I have to upload more photos to bump down those horrible "face transformer" photos, but I...have...nothing to upload...guh...no...

And I really should pack.

I'll think of something while I'm packing maybe.

Also, some notes about this post, and the last:

If you don't know what "S my C" means, watch Semi-Pro. You should've already seen it by now anyway.

In the last post, I used the word "shit" intentionally, just for Aaron. In this post "while I'm packing" was also used with Aaron in mind. I love you, Aaron. :D

"Staging" can S my C.

When you put your home on the market, you can't just like, leave it as-is. Well, you can. You can also do a lot of other things that will end up biting you in the ass in the end. Unless you reeeally don't care how much money you make from the sale, and you just want the whole process to be over as quickly as possible.

Since we're not buh-gillionaires, and we're moving closer-in (which means buying a more expensive home, or a smaller home, or both), we want to make as much money as possible from this sale. While also not waiting for fo'evs to sell it. So the main things we're focusing on are:

1) Fixing up our shit yard. I wouldn't say we're 100% "indoor" people, exactly. I really enjoy outdoor shopping, and hanging out in other people's well-maintained yards, but I never had to do yard work as a kid, and from what I understand B didn't have to do much either, so our yard looks kind of like...well, you know sometimes how there are little ravines on the side of the road, like, under bridges that don't actually cross over another road or something? And the naychur underneath isn't exactly forest, but it's not exactly meadow? That's kind of what our yard is. Minus the fast food garbage, trucker bombs, and sleeping hobos. (ZOMG. I wonder if someone's ever HIT a hobo with a trucker bomb before. Poor hobos!)

Anyway. So we're having people come and bid on tidying up our yard. Hopefully it won't cost an arm and a leg.

2) Packing up our shit belongings. Basically, anything we don't absosmurfly need for the next few months must be tossed into our Pods box and hauled away. The less stuff is left in the house, the roomier it looks, apparently.

And all "personal" things (photos of people we know; books that send messages like, "I speak several languages AND hate the current political administration;" our cats; etc.) have to either be packed up, or hidden. Clutter has to be hidden as well. My mom keeps telling me not to forget that even the TOASTER has to be off the counter. And we can't cook. Well, we can "cook," but we can't COOK. No onions. No garlic. No fish sauce. No curry. Nothing that has a strong smell.

And since we have to de-clutter our pantry as well, we're packing up the wok, crock, bread machine, stock pots, steamer, etc. So basically we'll be eating either grilled food, blah food, raw food, or OUT. As soon as I heard that we'd be packing up our kitchen, I kept asking, "but what do we EAT? WHAT DO WE EAT?"

Nobody really had an answer. Which didn't surprise me actually, because frankly, I don't think most people give a shit WHAT they eat. But I do. I like my food to be good, or not at all. Brett knows; I'm reeeally irritating about it.

3) Painting, having the carpets cleaned, and having someone come in and clean everything else. Because according to my parents, I have no idea how well these crews can clean, and I probably COULD do it myself, but I won't want to. Apparently they use toothbrushes like, everywhere. And caulk. And everybody loves caulk! I know *I* do.

I guess typed out in neat little steps like that it seeems like pretty easy work. But it's not. Right now I'm stuck on the packing part, and it totally sux0rz. I've promised Brett that by Saturday (by the time Saturday STARTS, not by the time it finishes), I'll have alllll of my art supplies packed up. I haven't started yet. And! You may not know this, but since I like all kinds of artsy stuff, and I get pretty much whatever I want, my "art supplies" take up about a quarter of our whole basement. Yarn alone will fill a whole large box. And then there are acrylic paints, oil paints, watercolors, canvases (some of those won't even FIT in boxes, actually), my easel (I don't want to pack it!), big huge drawing pads, misc chemicals (toxic/not, flammable/not), wire spools, sewing stuff, my sewing machine, beading stuff, stacks and stacks of paper, about a million different essential oils, dyes, pigments, blah blah blah. Bitch bitch bitch. I don't wanna do it.

God this is a horrible post. I just really don't feel like packing. I hate packing. And I didn't get enough sleep last night, so EVERYTHING is irritating me today. I've said "_____ can S my C." like 8,000 times already, and it's not even dinner time yet. Woo!

But here's something a little more fun:



Apparently, this is what I would look like if I were Asian. And had an even bigger chin than I already have. Click here to see more!

It's only 65°, but...

if today is anything like yesterday, our house will still be pretty toasty by mid afternoon. Yesterday we were SUPPOSED to eat rice, broccers, and tofu for dinner, but the rice requires the oven, and it was too hot for that. Instead Brett grilled some lamb and pitas outside, and I cut up some cucumber & bell pepper, and we just ate that. With hummus. Mmm...hummmmmus...

So now TODAY we're supposed to have last night's dinner, only I'm supposed to cook the rice now - before the house gets too hot to want to have the oven on. I've been feeling a little apprehensive about it, because after all - won't turning the oven on BEFORE the sun heats up the house only just make the house heat up the same amount, only faster? Whatevs. I don't know how these things work. I never took anything past a 100-level physics class. If that even counts as physics. That's how ignorant I am - I don't even know what kind of science I'm talking about.

Anyhooooo...I'll be making the rice regardless. I feel kind of stupid about it, because it requires an awful amount of effort for just RICE, but it's wild rice, so I guess it's worth it. I guess. It takes like, 15 minutes on the stove, and then an hour in the oven. But it's about 1,000x better than anything capable of being cooked in the rice cooker. And sometimes tofu doesn't fill me up as much as I think it should, but wild rice is really filling, so it balances out in the end.

"...balances out in the end." makes me think of my last post. Yes, that's right - I have the same sense of humor as a twelve year old boy. Woo!!! :D

Every now and then...

I realize that the reason I don't post to my blog very often is because I always feel like I have to write a huge post explaining every little thing that's happened in my life since the last post. So I'm like, "Ugh. I don't have time for that." And more time goes by, and then I feel even MORE like I don't have time for it. So I'll say that I'm going to start posting more frequently, so that it's not as big of a deal. But that never seems to work out because there are always going to be times when I don't feel like posting.

So maybe instead of promising to post more frequently, I'll just promise to write about whatever I feel like writing about at that moment, rather than whatever I think people are expecting me to mention.

On that note, I *DO* want to mention that...Ali had her baby!!! He is so sweet and cute Icouldjustdie. ♥.♥ For photos of my brand new nephew Esmond, my almost-brand-new niece Nevada, and random other stuff, go here.

And now for the topic that actually motivated me to post today (WARNING! This will be TMI for like, 99.99% of the world's population):

OMG. If you're ever packin' and you want to take a dump so bad you think your head will explode, just eat a LOT of fruit.

I haven't been eating very balanced meals lately...kind of just eating what I feel like which, for me, usually means eating more protein than I should, and not enough produce. DEFINITELY not enough fiber. My favorite breakfast is a couple of ounces of almonds and a can of V-8 (I hate cooking in the morning, and I'm not a fan of simple carbs for breakies, so...yeah.), but while drinking a can of V-8 technically counts as eating produce, its fiber content is pretty non-existent. The almonds actually contain more fiber than the can of V-8. I often skip lunch, and then eat a big dinner, which always contains at least one vegetable, but I still sometimes end up eating about half the fruit/veg that I'm supposed to.

We were pretty busy last week, so rather than bothering to make more of an effort with my food, I decided to just take a whole bunch of fiber. I actually really like fiber (it's not just for grandpas!), and uuusually it's a sure-fire way to um...clean house. But this week it totally sux0red, and despite the fact that I took it several times (AND drank plenty of water), my poops were still refusing to be dropped off at the pool.

By Saturday it was so bad that I was having trouble sleeping, I had a terrible headache, and I tried a...um...well, one of these. (They're not just for colonoscopy patients and fetishists!) It wasn't my first time using one, so I know I did it correctly and everything, but still...all I got out was pretty much just what I'd put in. Then we had a BBQ, and I ate a bunch of beef, some popcorn, alcohol...you know - pretty much the opposite of what you should eat if you want to take a good dump. Then yesterday I ate more beef and beer. :/

Finally, last night, I'd had it. So I whipped up a little fruit salad (and by "little," I mean one mango, two peaches, half a cantaloupe, two cups of chopped strawberries, a quarter cup of raspberries, about a cup and a half of cherries, a bunch of grapes, and a few sprigs of chopped mint), and within twenty minutes I'd eaten about half of it.

All night my stomach churned and cramped. I tossed and turned and tried to sleep, but I was sooo uncomfortable. When I got up this morning, I knew the Big Day had arrived. Because I'm disgusting (and overly curious), I weighed myself first. Then I took The Happiest Dump Ever. Then I weighed myself again: I'd lost exactly three pounds. Three pounds. Of dump. Three pounds. Apparently, if anyone I talked to over the weekend thought I was full of shit, they were correct.

Because you can never have too much of a good thing (except possibly liquor. Or cocaine.), I ate the rest of my delicious fruit salad for breakfast this morning, along with my usual almonds and V-8.

Here's hoping for another three pounds! :D