I'm a pretty well-balanced person. I have a few good friends, an amazing husband, two adorable cats, a nice big family, a house, a college education, NO job (by choice), a husband with a GREAT job, and compared to millions of people in this world, I live like a princess. Almost every minute of every day I feel lucky to be me.
Even when times are "bad," I still feel grateful for my life because I know in my heart that I've been given a pretty sweet deal. AND I'm intelligent and strong, so even when times get VERY bad I still trust myself to pull through eventually.
The only thing is...my creative energy thrives on passion. At least, it used to. Please don't read this and think my marriage is passionless; my marriage is fine. I'm talking about like, teen-angst style passion. Like, anger, sadness, unrequited love, gut-wrenching loss, a desperation to belong, or even that feeling where you love EVERYTHING so much that it hurts.
Most of my best paintings have come out of those feelings; bent over a canvas on the floor of my bedroom or dorm room, 3am, sweating and covered in paint. I used to think of it like throwing up: I felt horrible beforehand, uncomfortable during, and when it was over, things were okay.
It's not that I want my life to be less okay now, but I really miss feeling that inspired. That, like...DRIVEN. Shh! Don't tell anyone, but even now, when I bead or knit or do basically anything creative, it's still coming from feeling stressed out or insecure about something. The problem is, they're usually only *little* insecurities. Like, "God, please don't let me be the only fat girl at this party." Or, "I really hope this isn't strep again."
Little blips of panic lead to little blips of creativity. I want someone to like me? I make them a scarf. I want to feel pretty? I make myself a scarf. Or a necklace, or something - you get the idea. I have all these canvases downstairs, and I just don't feel inspired to PAINT anything. Our walls are practically bare because *I* am supposed to provide the artwork, and I'm not doing it. I actually have a few ideas in mind, but I haven't even gessoed, let alone started sketching.
So...here's what I'm thinking. Rather than sabotaging my life in order to create turmoil and angst, I simply need to find a new source of inspiration. I think cleaning up our basement will help, because right now I can barely find stuff down there, let alone sit down there to work on something. And after that...maybe in May or June? I was thinking it might be fun to have people over for like, "creative time."
I haven't cleared it with Brett yet, and it would have to be people we already know (I'm leery of strangers), but I was thinking maybe like every other Friday night or something, whoever wants to come over and make shit can...well, come over and make shit. Jon can paint eggs, Shannon can write, Tony can do his homework, Brett can compose, Dan can make me a pie, and I will probably still procrastinate, but at least I'll feel somewhat pressured to do SOMETHING creatively productive. And if we know you and I left you off, you're invited too. Oh! Brad could probably compose, too. And Kim, you could do whatever you do. Because I'm sure you do something. And Nicolle could do something, etc. Anybody. As long as we know you. And you're interested in doing something creative. And you're not messy. Or a serial killer.
What do you think? Too cheesy? Too bohemian? The idea just came to me tonight, so I haven't said a WORD about it to Brett. He might hate it and veto it, but you never know. He likes hanging out with people, he likes exercising his creativity, and he likes social plans that don't involve leaving the house, so this may be right up his alley. Eh?
5 comments:
I approve.
Bdalfug
Let us all gather at our house in the clean basement and clean elsewhere and create cool artsy crap. it will be more fun because I'm there.
EVERYTHING is more fun because you're there. Except maybe Sephora. Sometimes that's less fun with you there, because all you want to do is leave.
I think the artistic orgy sounds fun in theory, but might not really work all that well. :-)
As far as the inspiration goes you can start hating the world and get all "I'm painting a bouquet of flowers because of the tragedies that are happening in Darfur; flowers that were picked from the graves of their children."
You can go all goth. Goth people have an endless supply of self-induced suffering. It's almost an art for in of itself.
You suffer from the same type of procrastination I do where you do other stuff instead of the thing you want to do thinking that you'll be more inspired once you are done, but you just end up mad at yourself because don't end up doing either one.
Yeah, if this is like being at Sephora, then no. But if it's like an orgy of orgy of orgy of art, then hells ya. And other marginally-offensive "was-that-racist?" exclamations of affirmation. By which I mean, yes, I'll come help you clean out your basement so you can paint. :)
Love,
Me
Yay! I love the idea! And you live so close! I don't know what it IS that I do...but maybe I can figure it out. And apologies for not responding to your great comment on my blog, I've been a bit busy. I think about you every day and that I need to respond but then I don't have time! I have a sewing machine, maybe you could help me figure out how to get it set up...cause I don't know how!
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