I think I'll do this instead. I'm running a load of laundry right now, so I'm still kiiind of being productive. I feel a little weird right now. A little out of the loop on things. I'm not a big fan of most tv, so I only watch maaaybe a couple of hours a week. I watch stuff from Netflix, and I poke around on youtube, but that's pretty much it. Since I don't work, it's easy to get away with not watching tv, because there aren't a lot of people around me every day being all like, "Oh my gaaawd, did you SEE last night's 'So You Think You Can Dance???' Did you SEEEEE IT??? OH MY GAAAWD!!!" But at the same time, there's no one around to inform me of "important" things I need to know. Like that there's a new Pixar movie out.
Well...Brett works, so he SHOULD be capable of informing me of these things, but we don't usually hit much on pop culture in our conversations. We mostly just blab about our own lives/thoughts, or "preach to the choir" about things like trade laws, global politics, health/nutrition, the arts, whatevs. We're pretty boring.
Sometimes I manage to stay in the loop via friends, intarwebs, or podcasts (which I guess count as intarwebs?) but lately I haven't been listening to podcasts much, and apparently, at least when it comes to WALL-E, my friends and the intarwebs have FAILED me. I *did* see the free WALL-E gift on fb awhile ago, but I was like, "Wtf is that thing? It looks like that thing from Short Circuit."
Then Shannon mentioned that she was going to see something called WALL-E with her mom, but I just figured it was some dumb movie that I hadn't heard of because it was probably dumb. Or...you know. Not my cuppa tea. Same dif.
Then when we were hanging out with Tony and Nicolle tonight, THEY were talking about it, and I was like, "What the fuck are you TALKING ABOUT?" And Tony mentioned that it was the new Pixar movie that's out right now. And Brett was all like, "Yeah. It looks kind of sad. And WALL-E looks like the robot from Short Circuit." Or something like that.
So then I felt sad. And out of the loop. And a little left behind, which is sometimes how I feel these days. Isolated. It's funny; I don't have kids, so I can't make that standard SAHM complaint of needing "adult" time because I'm tired of dealing with children all day, but since I'm ALONE all day, I also sort of feel like I need "adult" time. I still want to have kids, and I still want to be at home with them, but maybe my kids will like...go to summer camp. And have two years of preschool (both Brett and I did, and we turned out great!), and spend a few weeks with the grandparents every now and then, while the Mr and I wonder off to...the Netherlands or something. You know...where ever.
I also think I want to maybe take a class or two next fall. Since I've never taken a photography class (or even finished reading the manual for my camera), I'm thinking of taking a beginning photography class at Shoreline. Continuing Ed, obviously. Not like, an actual class. But maybe an actual class would be fun too...and then I'd have a student id card, and theatre tickets/technology/etc would be cheaper. I'm assuming that taking a fer reals class would cost significantly more, but maybe it would pay for itself in student discounts! :D
Can you even TAKE classes for credit at a community college if you already have a BA? I can't imagine that they'd turn me away just because I already have a degree, but I CAN imagine that they'd turn me down once they learn that I'm not actually intending to graduate from any sort of "program." Because kids who don't graduate fux up their statistics. But there's something very satisfying to me about being graded on things. Plus, it'd be a lot more work, and a lot more contact with other people. Ah...♥people♥.
Then maybe by the end of fall quarter, I'll either be pregs and start finding like, baby groups to join or something (you know...baby water aerobics, baby massage, baby buggy workouts, baby monster truck driving...), or I'll find a temp job for awhile. Or if NEITHER thing happens, maybe I'll just take more classes. Or join some sort of free meetup group or something. But nothing too weird or sad. Because despite my current feelings of isolation, I'm still oddly elitist, so not just anyone will do. Go figs!
Eek...k, it's really late, and I'm getting up at 7am tomorrow to pack/leave for Seaside. Maybe I'll write from the coast, and maybe I won't. Maybe I won't!!! I guess we'll have to see.
Latrz!
6 comments:
Umm...come over here, ya bum! I'm a lot cleaner than I used to be...=)
Hee. We SHOULD hang out soon, especially since whenever we FINALLY move, it won't be nearly as easy to just hop over to each other's houses.
Here's the thing though: the weird thing about the kind of isolation I've felt lately is that it hasn't seemed to be quelled by actually hanging out with people.
Last Thursday I was feeling especially sad and lonely, and then I realized that I'd gone out to dinner with different friends on Saturday and then on Tuesday, and that at the very moment I was feeling blue on Thursday, I was in a different STATE, in a room literally filled with family.
So what the butt? The only thing I can think of is that I must really be craving some sort of new large-group activity like work or school. I think I miss being popular. Which is totally ghey, but whatevs; I guess I'm not as introverted as I thought I was.
I've always known that I'm an attention whore (oh, the things I have worn/done to stand out in a crowd...) but I guess what I never realized was that:
1) though I may feel too old to still have crazy pink hair and silver pants, the INSIDE me will always want that kind of attention.
2) from as many people as possible.
3) even though logically I know that's probably a really immature way to feel, and it's certainly not very..."zen." Or something.
4) I just have to figure out a positive, adult way to get the kind of attention I need. Hence the school/work/groups ideas. Here's hoping one of them actually happens soon, and that it makes me feel better! :)
Well, I can tell you that after a year and a half of being FULL TIME stay at home, I have realized that my biggest all time addiction of my life has been what Christian-ese calls "the approval of man". I am a SUCKER for people telling me that:
1. I'm doing a good job.
2. I'm NEEDED.
3. Things wouldn't be the same without me, and in fact, may totally fall apart without my presence.
Now, I know that all those things are true, ESPECIALLY here at home, even more so than any job I've ever worked at. However this is what keeps me from really FEELING that way: Even if Brad tells me what a great job I did organizing this or cleaning that, he's still complimenting me on CLEANING AND ORGANIZING. Two things I really don't really give a shit about, but I do them out of necessity. I guess in my world getting a kuods for doing something that was necessary isn't as good as getting one for something I actually chose to do. And while I enjoy parenting my kids and love to hear that I'm a great mom, most of my day is spent doing stuff that no one aknowledges, except (in my belief) God...and it's decidedly easier to feel good about yourself when you get a paycheck or a good grade than to look for daily blessings that could be hidden in the mundane.
I've been writing for our church's paper and have gotten some great compliments and responses...so that's a great outlet, and I'm asking for a sewing book, some stainless steel cookware and a digital photography book for my birthday so maybe now that Paige is a bit older I can try to get back into some of my hobbies...that will help too. And I hope that you find an outlet soon as well. I think it all comes down to needing a sense of purpose, you know?
Toootally. Because it's really easy to start to feel like what I'm doing at home really isn't important at all. (Which then leads to me slacking off and not doing much of anything, really.) But it was pretty easy for me to feel that way at work, too. Because I need constant praise and validation no matter what I'm doing. Because I'm just like that.
Brett and I saw a life coach a few years ago (my mom sent all the "sibs," as kind of a "kick start your life" gift to us), and while I did score slightly below normal on how much social interaction I need, I scored reeeally high on the need for acknowledgment and positive attention. She warned me that I wouldn't last long as a housewife unless I found some sort of attention-getting outlet (at the time, she suggested becoming a freelance photographer), and I guess she was right. Though I DID last a couple of years before I started getting restless, which I think is pretty impressive.
I agree that a couple of years is impressive...I lasted like, six months before Brad and I switched and he stayed at home w/ Loren!!
I've only be at this for a year now and without my Bible/book study groups and being a "Pastor's Wife" where people come to me for advice and minor counseling where I'm kind of relied upon to study scripture and pray a lot (whoa, run on sentence...) I think I would be super restless again.
It's a bit easier when you have kids, because you just love them so darn much...they really get you up in the morning. I walk into Paige's room and she's standing up in her crib and she's all smiles, like "Hey, I was just HOPING you'd be here to get me again! I'm so glad it's YOU!" and then Kaeleigh, being so small but telling me she loves me while she pats my cheek...then watching Loren be so sweet to his sisters and protective of them and wanting so much to be a big MAN like his daddy. *sigh* The sacrifice is just different with them around...:)worth it in every way! I don't think I'll look back on this time and wish I spent LESS time with my kids, you know?
You're going to be a great mom when the time comes!
Yaaay!!! Thanks. ♥
Post a Comment